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Navy jokes

***

An Army general, a Marine general and a Navy admiral are all sitting around discussing whose service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

The Army general (well into his second or third iced tea) announces to the group, "My soldiers are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible!" as he reaches for the phone. Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.

When all three representatives have arrived, the general states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first." Turning to the soldier, he says, "Private, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark-infested waters, climb up that sheer cliff and return with two bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The PFC took off running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the Ranger swam across the ten miles of ocean (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs over to the admiral and hands him the two unbroken eggs.

The Marine general says, "That wasn't anything," and turning to his Marine he says, "Corporal, I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the four miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back two eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the corporal moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the two eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the general, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The admiral smiles then says, "Very nice gentlemen," and turning towards his sailor he says, "Chief, I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the four miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back two eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Chief looks at the admiral, then the cliff, and again back to the admiral, where he says "SCREW YOU SIR, GO GET YOUR OWN EGGS!" renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The admiral turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says "Now gentlemen, THAT'S bravery."

Teller: Michael Carter

***

An American warship is tied up next to an English warship. An American sailor leans over and yells to a British sailor "How's the world's second largest Navy doing?" The Brit replies: "Just fine, mate. How's the world's second best doing?"

Teller: Jon L. Gateley

***

A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

***

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"

"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."

"Oh? And what does your father do?"

"He's in the Army, Sir."

***

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.

The old chief told the parrot, We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!

***

There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!

***

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Dabloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. Dabloon of course inquires, "How he be a'holdin 'is ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Awk! With me yardarm of course," to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley crew.

Captain Loony Dabloon and the newly-monikered Tiltin Yardarm fast become talkative mates, and the captain wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Pegleg. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye as soon as he'd steal the bung from its hole!"

They voyage on, and at the next port the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the captain always gets the first pick. Dabloon immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account as Rusty Pegleg drools at the mere sight of her. The captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder the Captain's choice pick with Tiltin Yardarm bearing witness.

However, when the Captain returns, his wench is gone, and Yardarm begins to squawk a terrible account. Loony Dabloon is incensed-

"What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?!"

"Awk! Rusty Pegleg is all to blame, I swear me Cap'n!"

This further infuriates Dabloon - "Tell yer every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" Titltin musters his courage- "Awk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?!"

His parrot begins to quiver. "Awk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor!"

Dabloon unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing at his feathery witness - "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters- "Awk! She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh captain, Oh captain!'"

To this, the maddened Captain Loony Dabloon thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck- "Every bloody detail or yer to walk the plank and find Davey Jones locker with 'im!" Tiltin Yardarm swallows heavily and replies- "I can't bear witness to what happened next. I fell right off me perch!"

Teller: Greg M. Pfeiffer

***

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

Teller: Cap'n Karikas